Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
