If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
