I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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