i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
