Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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