I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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