Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
