you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
