Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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