i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
