It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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