I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
