I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
