i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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