God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I understand Curling. That high.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
