my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
