Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
