Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
