Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Randomize
