No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
