My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
