So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
