i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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