My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
