I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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