Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
