i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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