wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
