cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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