I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
