I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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