My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize