If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
