I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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