After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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