God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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