You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
