so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
