did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
