I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
