Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he shaved USA in his pubs
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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