just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
