My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize