Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
