dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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