I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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