I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
