how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
