i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
