In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
