i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
did i walk over a car last night?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
