my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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