rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
