I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
