I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
