I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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