He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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